


Home Like Here

by freezerjerky



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 18:11:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11995236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freezerjerky/pseuds/freezerjerky
Summary: Sometimes at night Arthur pretends Merlin's laying in the bed beside him, fast asleep.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [momotastic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/momotastic/gifts).



> For my dearest friend on her happiest of birthdays. <3

Sometimes at night Arthur pretends Merlin's laying in the bed beside him, fast asleep. Of course, he quickly learns this isn't likely as Merlin would be sprawled across the bed, more than half on Arthur's side. It's only been six months since Merlin left and he supposes this desire won't go away anytime soon. He should be happy to have his space back- his flat, his fridge, his king sized bed. Instead there's part of him that aches to have to share space again. Maybe he can get a dog. Or a cat. Cats are supposedly lower maintenance than dogs, anyway, and they walk all over your things and squeeze into spots they shouldn't be. The right cat would remind me immensely of Merlin.

It would be easier, he thinks, if he didn't see Merlin all the time because of their mutual friends. Sometimes, the break-up seems like some sort of game that he played very badly. Merlin had said something about needing space, since they'd been together since school. He knew this was partially inspired because Arthur had made an offhanded comment about marriage. Arthur had agreed hesitantly and then decided to throw himself into it with gusto. The mistake was the gusto, when he'd run into Merlin less than two weeks later on a date with a pretty blonde named Vivian. The hurt on Merlin's face spoke volumes and Arthur couldn't meet his eye. In fact, in the half year since, he did everything he could to avoid looking Merlin in the eye.

The horrible thing is when they're out, at dinner or a pub with friends, he knows Merlin's looking at him. When he manages to glance over at him, Merlin will look away. He wonders if he's still thinking of him at all- first on the pull out sofa at Gwaine and Lance's flat then on his small bed in the flatshare with his work friends. Maybe Merlin's got another person in his bed, he never brings himself to ask and no one will tell him anything more than the minimal details of his life. That's probably for the best, but honestly, he knows Merlin can do what he likes. It's not like he's spent every night for the last six months alone. The issue is that the nights where he is alone, he continues to long for Merlin to be draped across him, or pressing his cold feet against him, or falling asleep on the sci-fi novel he's reading.

On this night, Arthur's awake late into the night. When he glances at the clock, it blinks back at him a solemn "3:25". He'll have to be awake in an hour and a half for his morning jog. At least without Merlin he doesn't have to feel guilty about keeping his own hours. He also doesn't have to worry about ever skipping a run to spend a morning warm under the covers. Everything has its pros and cons.

He closes his eyes and starts to drift off when he's interrupted by telltale buzz of his phone. The clock flashes "3:28." Arthur fumbles for his phone, hitting his night table a few times before he can grab it, lifting it to his ear.

"Hello?"

"I'm sorry, Arthur, I know I shouldn't call you, least of all this late but my father's...he's dead and I don't know who else to talk to."

"Merlin? 's that you?" Instinctively, he's already swung his feet over the side of his bed. If he takes a cab, he can be to Merlin's flat within half an hour. "I'll be there as soon as I can."

"You don't have to come if you don't want. I know things are kind of awkward-"

"It's not a problem. I'll be there."

"I was kind of hoping I could go there. Will's gonna wake up soon and you know how he is with comfort."  
Arthur did acutely know what Will could be like, his cold demeanor and tendency to be too literal would end with him saying things like "You can always get another cat" or "I don't know why you're crying about an exam" to a much younger, more sensitive Merlin. If it weren't for Merlin's conviction that he meant well, Arthur would have fought him years ago. It's probably for the best he hasn't.

"Yeah, that's fine. Come on over. I'll put the kettle on."

He hasn't had Merlin over since he came to collect his things. Very little has changed, he hasn't even taken all of his photos down. It's not sentimentality, he swears. Arthur just doesn't feel the need to hide something that was so important to his past. Besides, without Merlin's knick knacks crowding the shelves, he needs something to keep the flat looking bright. There's no need to dwell on it anyway, he can focus on putting on clothes and heating up the kettle.

 

Merlin's father was an enigmatic figure in his life, popping in and out throughout the years. During their teen years, he'd reappeared for the first time, doing his best to make amends. He'd met his son and tentatively started to heal things with Merlin's mother. Still, for his job or for other reasons, he'd consistently ducked in and out for the ensuing years. While Merlin was glad to have his father around, he never really got to know what it was like to have a proper father figure in his life. While Arthur's own experience was different from his, he could relate to that lack, with his own father's distance. In fact, it was this similarity that had pushed them closer and led to their relationship at the tender ages of 16 and 18.

No one else had met Merlin's father except for Arthur and Arthur had figured that maybe this contributed to the phone call. Or maybe it was the old similarities between them. He wouldn't entertain the idea that maybe it was some sort of muscle memory, eight years of history telling him to seek out his old creature comfort when something had gone wrong. Arthur's just stifled a yawn when there's a knock on the door. After a moment's hesitation, he hears the door unlock and Merlin steps in. Of course Merlin still has his key, Arthur's never bothered to ask for it back. it's a finality that seems unnecessary. He's unshaven, not uncommon for these days, and wearing an Oxford hoodie that was once, a very long time ago, Arthur's. The paleness of his face is obvious even in the dim light and he can tell that Merlin's taken care to look like he's not been crying.

"I've made tea," Arthur says softly. Tea is just about the only thing he can make without issue and he knows Merlin's preferences by heart. "It should be just the right temperature for drinking now." In fact, it's a bit too cold.

Once Merlin's settled on the couch, he accepts a mug from Arthur anyway. Arthur seats himself on the other side of couch, making sure to keep an appropriate distance. For the first time he realizes that he hasn't been this close to Merlin, even in social settings, since the break-up. It feels unnatural to have been so far away for so long.

Merlin opens his mouth to speak. "I-" He closes it again and shakes his head.

"You don't need to talk, Merlin. It's fine."

"No, I want to talk. It's just kind of weird talking about it. Apparently he was on his way to the airport to come home when it happened."

"Home like here?"

He nods. "Home like here." There's something too marked in the words. "London."

"Shit, I'm sorry Merlin." Arthur knows what Merlin may be thinking, how easy it would be to blame himself for this. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Just be here. Be yourself and be here."

It would be easier if the man sitting across from him was a stranger, someone he didn't know staring awkwardly down into his lap. Instead, this is someone he'll always know too acutely well, even if he can never truly be in his life again. He moves closer on the couch, patting the cushion directly next to him. Merlin takes the hint and moves closer. Arthur puts his arm around him and he rests against his chest.

A stillness takes over then. After a few minutes, Merlin lets out a sob, pressing further against him. Arthur runs a hand down his arm, giving a reassuring touch as he lets everything he feels out. He holds him until he's certain Merlin's half asleep. 

"Hey," he half-whispers. "Why don't you get some sleep?" Arthur wipes away the last of his tears. It's an intimate and familiar gesture, but he doesn't care about the deeper meanings in that moment. "You can rest in my bed."

Merlin insists the couch is fine, until Arthur continues to goad him into the bed. It's tempting to climb in beside him, maybe to curl up in the bed with him and pretend nothing has changed, just for a night. The truth is, things have changed and they can't go back. Instead, he sits on the edge of the bed until he's sure Merlin's dropped the rest of the way off to sleep. He almost regrets wishing so badly for Merlin to be back in his bed.


	2. Chapter 2

Merlin's father's funeral is a few days later. Arthur's asked to be a pall bearer, largely due to lack of attendance, but partially because he wants to be of some use to Merlin and his mother. Hunith is the type of woman to insist that unless Arthur does something to hurt Merlin immensely, she'll always think of him as a son. The irony of this fact in contrast to Arthur's father, who barely acknowledges Merlin, is not lost on him. 

Afterwards, Merlin comes around more often. They go for coffee or Merlin will show up to Arthur's football games in the park. It's nothing outside of the realm of typical friendship. Sometimes Merlin will want to talk about his father and the heaviness of grief and other times he'll want nothing more than a distraction. It's earnest enough and infrequent enough that Arthur knows it comes from a genuine desire for friendship and not simply because Merlin needs a shoulder to cry on. In some ways, that makes it worse. Merlin's not expecting anything from him that he's not already freely giving.

One night, Merlin comes over with some beers and a pizza. They eat on the couch and laugh at a bad movie. It feels like it used to, when they were together and happy. Arthur remembers what it's like to be in love and have that love returned. Not that there's ever any doubt that he's still in love. He doesn't hope, even with Merlin so close on the couch and so very much at home. Still, even without the hope, it doesn't mean there can't be disappointment.

"I've started to see someone," Merlin says, staring at the tv screen. "It's Lance, actually. Apparently he's been interested in me for a long while."

"Oh." Arthur's only immediately response is to take a long swig of his beer. It's probably not the most couth way to respond.

"Is that alright?"

"That he's interested in you? Why wouldn't that be alright?"

"No." Merlin shakes his head. "I mean that I'm dating him. Is that alright with you?"

"It's kind of weird that you're dating one of our friends but I mean-" Arthur runs a hand through his hair, trying to articulate his thoughts and feelings. "It sounds a bit like you're asking permission and you don't owe me anything, Merlin. I'm always going to be your friend, no matter who you're dating or what our history is. If he likes you and you like him, then I say go for it."  
"I just really value you and...our friendship and I don't want to put that at risk for anything. It was weird spending so long without really talking to you or being around you or anything. We've known each other since we were kids and then we lived together and then nothing and it felt like a part of me had gone away."

Arthur feels a deep, sinking feeling in his stomach. This sounds like a confession, but Merlin's also just admitted to moving on. He won't be fooled by his own feelings and wishes.

"Well, like I said, it'll be fine. I just want to see you happy."

Almost against his will, Arthur feels his mouth quirk into a smile. He finishes his beer a few moments after that. They don't talk for the rest of the movie. Things will be alright. Most likely, he won't even notice that Merlin and Lance are together for a long while and by then he'll be dating some distant relative of the queen or American heir or heiress. A bloke can always dream.

Of course, this doesn't come to pass. Arthur's the first to arrive at a pub night about a week later. He glances up from his phone that he'd been idly checking to see who's coming next to be greeted by the sight of Merlin and Lance sharing a kiss in the doorway. When they approach him, they're holding hands and looking far too happy. Arthur's first bitter thought is that they've probably just shagged and then spoke about how much they love each other and then Lance proposed and now they're engaged- This is not a good train of thought for anyone. Instead, he greets them with a smile and they graciously sit on either side of him.

Merlin spends half the night talking to Arthur which almost makes it more awkward. When they start teasing each other, Leon can't help but laugh and make a comment about it being like the old times. Arthur's caught mid-triumphant smile when he hears the sound of Lance clearing his throat to his right. Everyone turns their eyes to Lance.

"There's actually an announcement I'd like to make." Lance reaches for Merlin's hand across the back of Arthur's chair. They're actually holding hands behind his back. "Merlin and I have started dating a few weeks ago."

The table erupts in cheers and Gwaine, the only other one in on the secret, stands and offers to get them both a drink. Arthur imagines turning away, pulling out his chair so Lance and Merlin are no longer holding their hands. He imagines leaving sadly and never looking back. Even better, he imagines Merlin coming after him, telling him that it's been a mistake and he still loves him. Instead, he clinks his pint against Leon's and then Lance's. He grants himself the peace of not meeting Merlin's eyes. While he's the first to leave that night, it's still two hours later. The bed feels emptier than ever before that night and Arthur feels like he's been hollowed out and reassembled. He hopes only that Merlin is happy.

 

For his own peace of mind, Arthur finds excuses to miss the next two pub nights. He doesn't plan to sit this out forever, but he thinks it's fair enough to give himself a bit of a break from the mess he's gotten himself into. It's for the best to give Merlin the space to feel happy and supported in his new relationship. He's installed some dating apps and given them serious glances and thought about going out just to go on the pull. Heartbreak isn't always about sitting in your room and feeling the full weight of loneliness. One day, Arthur will feel like he's been put back together correctly again. With any luck, he'll find someone who makes his bed feel warm and complete again.

The night after the second missed pub night, he's settled in with some work and a large cup of coffee. When he first went into the workforce he'd often bring piles and piles of work home. Thankfully, he'd cut the habit and only brought home the work that was absolutely necessary. He had Merlin to thank for that. There's a knock on his door and he makes his way to the door, somehow surprised when it's Merlin standing on the other side. Arthur wishes he'd known, as he feels vulnerable in his sweatpants and reading glasses. He gestures for Merlin to make his way inside and make himself comfortable.

Instead Merlin steps a few feet inside the doorway and stands awkwardly. It's never been like Merlin to look or feel out of place in Arthur's life. Even at his most awkward, he's been a fixture, a given, a point of reference for everything else Arthur had to face. In this moment something has snapped and Arthur's panicked that he can't ever have it back. It's all too late.

"Is, er, is something wrong?" Arthur asks, biting his lower lip.

"No, I'm fine. I just thought I'd stop by. Haven't seen you all week."

"I'm doing some work. Got a big deadline for the end of the week. Sorry, I don't really have the time tonight."

"Not even for me?" Merlin gives him a wry smile.

"I'm sorry, Merlin. Like I said, I don't have time for this. Not tonight." Not without time to prepare.

"Can I just ask you one thing. Just one thing and then we can move on forever."

As much as he likes to say he wants to move on forever, in this moment he's not sure it's true. "Sure."

"I was wrong, wasn't I? It was selfish of me to want a break and then to...assume because you were on a date you were done."

"It was wrong of me to go on a date less than two weeks into a break," Arthur answers, deflecting.

"That's not the question I asked."

"I started to talk about marriage and I think it's a natural reaction. We've never been with- had never been with anyone else and it's not like my family is the easiest one to tie yourself to forever. I don't even want to be part of it half the time."

"That's still not the answer to the question I asked." Merlin shakes his head. "I made a mistake."  
"What does it matter if it was a mistake? It's your call if it was one and it's in the past now." Arthur shrugs, then crosses his arms. "The only thing I care about is that you're still in my life and you're doing alright, you're happy with or without me."

"It just seems really, really absurd to me, Arthur."

"What does?"

Merlin hesitates for a few moments, the words clearly springing to his lips whether he wants them or not. "That we're not together because I was foolish enough to think that I could want something different. That I took eight years of happiness and tossed it away just in case there was something else out there. That the moment something bad happens, you're the first person I think of, even though I share a flat with three perfectly lovely people. That I go out with my friends, with a man who I think could love me, and either spend half the night talking to you or the whole night disappointed that you're not there."

"There's nothing wrong with moving on, Merlin." 

"But I haven't and I'm not sure you have either, and here we are in front of each other." He gestures between them. "Ever since my that first night I came over, I've spent half my time with you wondering if you're still in love with me. And if you are, why you won't just tell me? And if you aren't, could you love me again?"

"Of course I still love you." It's as natural as breathing for Arthur to say this. The words fall from his mouth so very easily and he feels relieved that the truth is out. 

"Oh, thank God." Merlin surges forward. At first Arthur thinks he's going to kiss him, but instead he throws his arms around him, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Arthur doesn't hesitate to take the opportunity to pull him closer and hold him as tight as he can. They stay like that for a few long moments before realization dawns.

"And do you...still feel the same, then?" Arthur ventures.

"Oh!" Merlin exclaims and pulls away, taking Arthur's face in his hands. "Yes, I love you. Yes, I'm not seeing anyone. Yes, if you'll have me again, I want to be with you. Yes, I will move back in as soon as you're ready to have me. Do you have any other questions you have for me, then?"  
"No." Arthur laughs and he feels a bit giddy in that moment. It's when he's still laughing that the kissing starts, gentle and soft touches at the corner of his mouth, and then something with more intent. Something he can melt into; and he does.

At the end of the night, they climb into his bed together. Both of them are too eager to have the chance to kiss and touch each other to take it any further than those intimacies. In the months of absence, some shyness had grown between them, but Arthur imagines it'll be no great obstacle. He's focused much more on the fact that the weight on his bed is not imagined. One night's sleep in the same bed can't rebuild a relationship, but it's certainly a start.


End file.
